What If Tala Was Fat And German?
by Kinkajouu
Summary: What if Tala was fat and German? What would his friends’ reactions be? Oneshot, randomness, complete and utter balls.


+ What if Tala was fat and German? What would his friends' reactions be?

+ Warnings: Total stupidness, OOCness… Yeah.

+ Disclaimer: I own it not.

+ A/N: I am sorry MarianQ… I know I said I wouldn't write this… But… I lied.

Teehee.

* * *

**What If Tala Was Fat And German?**

"Tala! Can you make me some coffee, please?" Kai called through the house, as he stumbled down the stairs, trying to pull a sock on.

He glanced into the lounge as he passed it, noticing that Tala wasn't in there. He knew for a fact that Tala wasn't upstairs, so it could only mean that Tala was sat in the kitchen, probably drinking all the coffee, and not saving Kai any. Kai sighed as he entered the kitchen. Tala had his back to Kai, and clearly had not made Kai any coffee.

"Tal, you could've made me some," Kai said, boiling the kettle and heaping a spoonful of coffee into a cup. "I thought we could go out somewhere today. You know, do something nice."

"_Oh, yah_."

Kai's ears perked up at Tala's words, but he didn't turn around. Tala must've been in one of the moods where he imitated people from other countries. As soon as the kettle had boiled, Kai poured the hot water into his cup, quickly stirring.

"You know, Tal, I-"

Kai stopped talking as he turned around to look at Tala. His eyes widened, and his cup fell to the floor, smashing into pieces. Kai continued to stare at Tala, unsure of what to say, or make out of the person sitting in front of him. Tala let a big grin spread across his face.

"_Yah_?"

"T-Tal… You're… Fat!"

"_OH, YAH_!"

"AND GERMAN!"

"_YAAAHH_!!"

"AND YOU HAVE MAN-MELONS!"

"_YAAAH_!"

The fat, German Tala raised his hands and grabbed his moobs. Kai felt physically sick. FGT began to play with his man-breasts, wiggling them around. Kai couldn't take any more, and ran out into the hall, where he promptly picked up the phone and dialled Bryan and Spencer's number.

"Yo, Bryan and Spencer's home phone. Congratulations, you've got the right number. Bryan speaking," Bryan's voice answered.

"BRYAN! SOMETHING HORRIFIC HAS HAPPENED!" Kai yelled down the phone, causing Bryan on the other end to hold his phone a foot away from his ear.

"Kai… Do you have to shout?" Bryan asked, squinting and gingerly putting the phone back to his ear.

"Yes! Because something _awful_ has happened to Tala!"

"_Oh, yah_!"

"Erm, what was that?" Bryan's voice asked, sounding a bit worried.

"That was… Tala," Kai replied, trying to slap Tala away, as he had scuttled into the hall, and was attempting to pat Kai's head. "Get the Hell away from me!"

"Don't move, Kai. Spencer and I will be right around," Bryan's voice said.

"I'm going to have to move! I'm going to lock myself in the bathroom or something! Let yourselves in when you get here!"

Kai slammed down the phone, and ducked under FGT's arm. He ran up the stairs, hearing the thudding footsteps of FGT behind him. Kai rushed into the bathroom, and slammed the door shut behind him. Quickly locking it, Kai sat down on the toilet seat, and stared wide-eyed at the door, which FGT was now banging on.

'_Bryan… Spencer… Please get here soon_,' Kai inwardly pleaded, squeezing his eyes shut as FGT's German yells and bangs on the door got louder.

"TALA! PUT THAT PIE DOWN!" Spencer's voice yelled from outside the bathroom door.

Kai stared at the door. Spencer and Bryan really had gotten there quick. There was a knock at the door, and Kai hesitantly got up and unlocked it. He pulled it open a smidge, and Bryan launched through himself through the door, and attached his lips to Kai's. Kai pushed him away quickly.

"Why the Hell do you always do that?!" Kai asked angrily, wanting to slap Bryan.

"I dunno. I hope it annoys Tala," Bryan shrugged.

"It does not make him angry, it just turns him on. So stop it," Kai snapped. "What are we going to do about _that_?" Kai pointed to FGT.

"Ignore it and hope it goes away?" Bryan suggested, shrugging again.

Kai glared.

"Maybe if we just tell everyone that Tala ate a load of pies and unhealthy stuff… And will only talk German, because he's trying to learn it… People will accept that this thing really is Tala," Spencer suggested.

"That does not solve the problem of me having to share a house with it," Kai said.

"I think we should remember that it is still Tala, even if he has… Changed," Bryan said.

"_Oh, yah_!"

"Shut up, you!" Kai said angrily to FGT.

"You know, he's quite cute in a way," Spencer said, poking the blubber on FGT's side.

"_Yaaah_!"

"I think he liked that," Bryan giggled, also poking FGT in the side.

"_Oh, yaah_!_ Oh, yaaah_!"

Kai watched in disgust and with his eyebrows raised as Bryan and Spencer led FGT back down the stairs. Kai picked up the pie that FGT had found out from somewhere, and followed the other three down the stairs. Bryan and Spencer had both taken to tickling FGT, who was laughing like a jolly Santa.

"Here, give him this pie whilst we think of a plan," Kai said, holding out the pie to Bryan, who looked at it with raised eyebrows.

"Why should I feed it to him? You're holding you. You feed it to him."

"Spencer, feed that thing this pie," Kai said, holding the pie out to Spencer.

"Nuh uh… You're holding it," Spencer replied, shaking his head.

Kai resisted the urge to slam the pie into Spencer and Bryan's faces, and instead held it out to FGT, who sniffed it before eating the pie (and Kai's hand) whole.

"HOLY SCROTUMS! IT'S EATEN MY HAND!" Kai yelled, trying to pull his trapped hand out of FGT's mouth, but to no avail.

"Quickly, Spencer! Let's tickle him and see if that gets him to let go of Kai's hand!" Bryan said, and he and Spencer immediately began attacking FGT's sides.

FGT was honking and laughing around his mouthful of Kai's hand, but would still not let go. Bryan and Spencer increased their attack of ferocious tickles. If anything, FGT seemed to increase pressure on Kai's hand at the increased amount of tickling.

"What the Hell are you all doing?" a voice said from the direction of the front door.

Bryan and Spencer stopped their tickling, and FGT freed Kai's hand from his mouth. The four turned towards the doorway to see normal, skinny, Russian Tala stood there. Kai's eyes darted from Tala in the doorway, to fat, German Tala. He was utterly confused.

"If you're Tala, and you're there… Then who's he?" Bryan asked, pointing to FGT.

"Not me, obviously," Tala replied raising his eyebrow. "How the Hell could you think he was me?!"

"It was the hair," Spencer said, nodding.

"How did he get into the house?" Tala asked, raising his eyebrow and peering at FGT.

"I have no idea… Oh, but TALAAA!!! IT WAS HORRIBLE! I WENT TO MAKE COFFEE, AND I TURNED AROUND AND IT WAS THERE!" Kai wailed, launching himself into Tala's arms.

"Aha! I see you've found my Tala-robot," another voice said from the front door.

Everyone turned to see who was there, and saw that it was Kenny. Of course. Who else would build a Tala-robot?

"Kenny, it looks nothing like me," Tala said, scowling. "It is fat. It is German. And it has man-boobs."

"Well, yes. There is that. But it has your hair!"

Tala pushed FGT towards Kenny.

"Kenny, go away. And take that hideous thing with you."

Kenny and FGT were promptly shoved out the door, and Tala turned to his friends and boyfriend once the door was shut.

"How could you think he was me?!"

"Again, it was the hair," Spencer said.

"But apart from the hair, he was nothing like me!" Tala replied, getting a bit angry.

"We are very sorry, Tala," Bryan apologised, doing his puppy-dog look.

Tala sighed.

"You are all forgiven I suppose… Now, who wants to watch porn?!"

* * *

+ A/N: I struggled for an ending.


End file.
